Buying Stuff & Thinking About Buying Stuff

packed closet

Not my closet, but a reasonable approximation.

You know what always sounds like a really fun time? Buying stuff. You know what’s almost better than buying stuff? Thinking about buying stuff. I can spend hours just poring over shopping sites, flash sale sites, even just plain fucking Amazon. (I love you, Prime!)

Well, that’s got to stop. I have too much stuff. No one needs this much stuff. It’s ridiculous.

Continue Reading

Whatcha Realizing, Jerk?


Simpsons-Impaired? Link.

So, it’s been exactly a month since I (re)started my self-portraits project. I thought I’d share a few high-level observations from the experience.

Observation 1: Mirrors Are Lying Liars That Tell Lies

Prior to this project, my standard morning ritual involved at least a cursory glance in the mirror before heading out the door, but no extended dawdling. During this project, however, I’ve been spending a great deal more time consulting the mirror, who has told me things like:

“Ehh, not bad.”

“Indeed, those colors work well together.”

“You are so totally pulling this off. What an off-puller, you!”

Well, guess what: those were all horrible, horrible lies. But, it took being confronted with the photographic evidence for me to realize it. More accurate statements would have been: Actually, yes, bad. In fact, those colors work badly together and you should feel badly. The only thing you’re really pulling is my eyes… from my head… because omg the pain. I can’t necessarily blame the mirror, though. Lying is in his very nature. The fault is mine. This is a lesson I should have learned long ago from Clueless… 

Continue Reading

Credit Where Credit’s Due


Oftentimes, my dreams will roll credits at the very end. It happens all the time.

The thing is, I never, ever get an Executive Producer credit.

This pisses me off to no end.

I mean, c’mon.

Protips, Volume One

Over the this many [holds up hands, twiddles fingers] years I’ve been alive, I’ve actually learned a thing or two. Please allow me to share with you just a few of my Protips for Existence.

  • PROTIP #1: If you’re ever granted three wishes, your first wish should be “No funny business.” In fact, you might as well end every wish with “And none of that Twilight-Zone-careful-what-you-wish-for nonsense.”
  • PROTIP #2: A surprising majority of the original Twilight Zone series can be summed up with  “Careful what you wish for.”
  • PROTIP #3: If you suspect you are in a Twilight Zone episode, MAKE NO WISHES.
  • PROTIP #4: If anyone ever asks you to guess her age, say your own age. That way, if she gets offended, YOU can get offended.
  • PROTIP #5: Donuts? Don’t mind if I do.

As I continue to learn how to be an adult human being, I will be sure to share more Protips. I promise that fewer of them will be related to the Twilight Zone in the future…


Drum Machines Have No Soul

I once read that people who place bumper stickers on their cars are more likely to exhibit road rage.

I guess if this were the one sentiment I deeply felt I needed to express to the world and the only means I had for doing so, I’d be pretty pissed off, too.

An Observation: Tiny Hats

During some recent internet window shopping, I stumbled upon an unsettling trend: tiny hats. What is with these tiny hats? Are there women who fear their heads simply do not appear large enough and who must compensate by wearing a doll’s hat? Is “hydroencephalitic” a look we are actively attempting to cultivate? I am confused and befuddled. As a person with a rather enormous noggin, it has never occurred to me to accentuate this fact. “I have the head of a giant and mock your mortal accessories! They are as a child’s plaything to me! Look on my head, ye mighty, and despair!

Personally, I approach with apprehension any trend that can be traced back to Homer Simpson — particularly Homer Simpson as a prison snitch:

Though he does seem to be enjoying that tiny hat immensely.

From left to right:

Edited to Add: Tim & Eric recognized this market long ago: VIDEO.

No more posts.