So I Guess I Own a Vest


If there’s one thing I never thought I’d be, it’s a person who owns a vest. Growing up in the Texas panhandle, vests had fairly specific and unironic use cases: working at a hardware store, going to the rodeo, being a mom at Xmas. So, naturally, as I’m not particularly inclined toward any of these activities, I find myself genuinely surprised to be now in possession of a vest. Who am I? What have I become? And, what exactly do I do with this vest?

Today, I endeavored to answer all of these questions, but the first one turned out to be really hard and the second one kinda depended on answering the first. So, I settled on answering just this last question by attempting three separate outfits using my vest. “My vest.” What a strange and alien phrase. I’m glad I’m only typing it. I doubt I could speak it aloud.

Anywho, since I’m only a beginner at this whole wearing-of-vests thing, I elected to simplify the effort further by wearing the same boots with each outfit. And the same hair. And the same makeup. And no accessories. So… yeah, I kinda only switched out the dress each time. That still counts, right? C’mon, I’m learning.

How’d I do?


First Attempt: Eliza J Dress

For my first attempt, I picked a really simple boatneck dress I got sometime last year, but never got around to wearing. (In fact, this is the first time I’ve worn any of the dresses in this post.) While I think the color combination came out alright, I just felt really… covered up. Now, there’s certainly nothing wrong with dressing “modestly,” but I fear that I have taken to “covering up” as a response to my discomfort with my body. That’s something I’d like to remedy.


Second Attempt: Fuzzi Dress (Purple)

For my second attempt, I picked a slightly more revealing v-neck Fuzzi dress with sheer sleeves. I admit that this is hardly revealing by the average person’s standards. But, if you know me at all, you may have noticed that I never expose my upper arms. This is thanks to some unpleasant scars that folks always feel the need to comment on. When I chose this dress, I had hoped that the sleeves would obscure the scars enough to go unnoticed. Not so much. So, full disclosure: I photoshopped out my scars. Still, I felt like the overall outfit came out fairly well and was definitely a step outside my comfort zone. (Did I mention the arms thing?)


Third Attempt: Fuzzi Dress (Blue)

For my final attempt, I figured “fuck it,” and went not only for the sheer sleeves, but also the very deep v-neck of the most form-fitting dress I own. I thought I might be able to pull it off as the vest would offset and/or disguise my most troublesome area (see: big ole belly). You know what? I think it kinda worked. I might even feel comfortable enough to wear this outfit outside the house. Vest magic!

Perhaps I’ve misjudged vests and the ownership thereof. Perhaps I’m wrong about a lot of things. Perhaps I should reevaluate other of my long-held beliefs and prejudices.

Or not. It’s just a vest.

[In all outfits: Bagatelle leather vest and Stuart Weitzman boots.]

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