Pants dry. Trees Die.

The coffee place Ben and I go to on weekends has started selling these stickers. It wasn’t immediately clear to either of us what their meaning or purpose was. So, while we waited in line, we speculated:

ME: Is it some sort of metaphysical, circle-of-life bullshit? Like, “Hey, man. Pants may get wet, but sooner or later they dry. Trees, they live, but then they die. Oh, how like we are to pants and/or trees! Sic transit gloria! Feeeeeeeeelings!”

BEN: No way. It’s not that deep. It’s, like, “Fuck it. Pee your pants.”

ME: Wow. Totally. Like, whatever, man: go for it.

BEN: Why not? Your pants will dry eventually.

ME: For reals.

When we got to the front of the line, however, I felt the need to verify this theory. I asked the man behind the counter what the stickers meant. He stood for a moment with a confused look on his face then wiped his hands on his pants. “Pants dry,” he said. Then, he pointed at some napkins. “Trees die.”

“Oh,” I said, “we thought it meant you should just pee your pants. Fuck it. Pee your pants. Pants dry.”

“That’s a good idea, too,” he replied.

Once we had our coffee and were leaving the shop, Ben turned to me and said “They better not be drying their hands on their pants. That’s gross.”

“Word. Peeing your pants is totally cool, though.”


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